Subterranean/Hill Street Blues

Associated Press – Fri Aug 14,2009

Bob Dylan was treated like a complete unknown by police in a New Jersey shore community when a resident called to report “an eccentric looking old man” walking around the neighborhood.

A 24-year-old police officer apparently was unaware of who Dylan is and asked him for identification. The singer of such classics as "Like a Rolling Stone" and "Blowin' in the Wind" said that he didn't have any ID with him, that he was just walking around looking at houses to pass some time before that night's show.

A second officer, also in his 20s, responded to assist the first officer. He, too, apparently was unfamiliar with Dylan.

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Good morning, officers. Settle down, rooks settle down. Guiliano brought the BIG box Dunkin coffee and bear claws.. plenty to go around.

By now its become clear that the unfortunate incident of August the 14th was not this Precinct’s “finest hour.” You may say “Hey, Sarge - cops make mistakes.” Don’t I know it. And have the alimony to prove it. I get that. But this thing was all easily avoided. And here’s the thing about this thing – we detained a legend.

Ipso Facto – you book the wrong Hahvad professor, Spike Lee crawls up your anus.
Arrest Robert Zimmerman – well, let’s just say that none of us needs Senator Lautenberg riding shotgun on his retirement package. Dayenu!

So as in the interest of making sure that such an “error” in judgment never, EVER happens again, I present to you -- LIGHTS PLEASE -- a brief power point presentation in..

HOW TO IDENTIFY A ROCK ICON

You say “Sarge – whattathis all mean? We gotta go pussy footin’ around every Tom Jones, Dick, and Harry that comes to town?” No.. Plenty of long-haired faggedy dressed rock types you can shake down. Snoop Dogg. Haul his ass in. Amy Winehouse – the Mrs. don’t like her looks. Me? I’d personally like to kick Coldplay’s ass for ripping off U2’s sound.

But I don’t.

Question in back – Who’s Tom Jones? LOOK IT UP, fuckface. The Wikipedia.

Slide please.

This here is Bob Dylan. Aka Robert Allen Zimmerman. Aka Lucky Wilbury. Jack Fate. Willow Scarlet. Sometimes known as Hymie the Kid. Recorded in 1963 as Blind Boy Grunt. Checks into hotels as Justin Case. I see a hand up - What was that? No.. NOT with my wife..

Here’s a current photo. Looks like the guy who panhandles outside the Passaic diner, I know. Makes Tom Waits look like Brad Pitt. Yes, man’s got jowls like my sister-in-law’s basset hound. But there are ways of knowing. What our friends at the FBI -- and my daughter at Brown University – call “signifiers.” You dig?

Slide –

The rock icons often hide behind the urban camouflage of “the cap.” Example – the Spanish gaucho hat – as worn by Dylan on his “Never Ending Tour” or favored by Jack White of the eponymous White Stripes on his most recent concert appearances. Yet even even if Dylan is sporting said chapeau, I’m tossing out two words for you –

JEW. FRO.

Slide.

Hoodie. Right. Suspect was wearing a hoodie so you couldn’t see the Jew Fro. Feeling you. I do. Read the police blotter. Nine outta ten assailants in the commission of a crime are dressed in hoodies. Forget prohibiting the sale of spray paint, BAN THE HOODIE, watch the crime rate drop like a ten dollar hooker.

Next slide..

I got this from a Gap ad. You riff-raff still shop at the Gap? What’s the GAP? F-U, what’s the Gap! It’s the space between your sister’s legs is the GAP!

‘kay.. simmer down. Look at the jeans. You/me. Relaxed fit. Boot cut. Mom Jeans. Rock types go for the SKINNY CUT. Pipe Cleaner legs. Case in point – DAVID BOWIE. Inseam cuts right up to his scrotum. How else does he hit the high notes in “Young Americans.”

Slide..

Talk to the man. And I quote the Rolling Stone Encyclopedia Of Rock, “By performing his allusive, poetic songs in his nasal, spontaneous cadence, Dylan enlarged pop’s range and vocabulary while creating a widely imitated sound.”

Checklist: Does he mumble? UH-HUH! Does he sound like my Grandpa Frank after a pitcher of Pabst and a boilermaker chaser? THEN HE’S BOB FREEKIN’ DYLAN!

Let’s test what you’ve learned.

Slide puh-leeze..

Western-style hat, unshaven, reeks of weed.

No.. Not my mother..

ANSWER: Dylan. Or tourmate Willie Nelson..

P.S. Funnyman - You are now a CROSSING GUARD.

Officers we’ve got 30 seconds here – questions?

Dylan’s best album? Me, I’m a “Blood on the Tracks” man, but there is nothing wrong with the evangelical overtones of “Slow Train Coming” – We’ve all got to serve somebody, capeche?

Germaine question?

No, I do not watch Flight of the Conchords. Wife won’t let me get the HBO.

Anyone else?

Uh-huh, uh-huh..

I’ll repeat it so everyone can hear – Down at the park, you seen a large African American fella.. Played leftie.. Incendiary chord progressions? Good call – that was the GHOST OF JIMI HENDRIX, let the man be..

That’s our designated time for today officers, in summary – the ghost of Hendrix walks amongst us, Dylan’s the man, but Springsteen RULES! Do not fuck with Bruuuuuuuceee..

I see a hand up in back?

Yes. You can still arrest a black guy breaking into his house.

Sheez..

Let’s be careful out there.