Re/count

(I DEMAND A)
RECOUNT
Diary of an Impartial Election Observer

Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Chicago, Illinois, U.S.A.

Imagine how flattered was I when a guy who knows a guy who knows Rahm’s brother Ezekiel, calls me up and says, “Hey!” we need an impartial, “independent type voting official” to verify the election results over by there in Iran.

I mean I been an election official for going on 18 years now, since I was 14 and old enough to both drive and vote in municipal elections within the City of Chicago, County of Cook. And we got ourselves a motto over here – The City That Works, which doesn’t mean we all have jobs. Albeit, my brother-in-law Stu and I do in fact, in the interest of disclosure, operate a citywide contract for park district concession stands and aluminum siding (and asbestos removal) far be it for me to refuse the call of duty, ask not what the Iranian government can do for me, etc., et al.

Wednesday, June 23, 2009
O’Hare International Airport,
Terminal One - Auntie Anne’s Pretzels

Refuse offer of private jet transportation from Iranian Government. Hey, do the words “im/partial” meaning anything to you guys?

Take a wild guess how many frequent flier miles you need to get to Tehran. Take another guess.. HIGHER.. Let’s just say that you could fly to Vegas, then back, then back again, about ten thousand times and Southwest still couldn’t get you any closer than Raleigh-Durham. Fortunately, my wife knows a guy who knows a friend of his sister’s who works at United and I’m flying NON-STOP to Tehran. With a stop-over in London and Frankfurt.

Wednesday, June 23/Thursday June 24, 2009
Somewhere Over the Atlantic Ocean

11:20pm - In-flight movie - “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Right. Here’s a new title: “FIGURE IT OUT, BROADS!” I mean it’s obvious. Cute broads though. The HOT young broad from “Big Love,” and the little girl from “E.T.,” all grown up. I’d watch it again but “Marley & Me” is up next. HOT Broad from the “Friends” and the Wilson brother whose nose looks like a penis.

1:15am - Sobbing. “MARLEY DIES” would have been a better title. SPOILER ALERT: Marley dies. Why didn’t anybody tell me?

Thursday June 24, 2009
Imam Khomeini International Airport, 3:09pm (IRST)

No one to pick me up at the airport. No little sign w/my name in Sharpie. Only available rental a canary yellow Humvee and I refuse “upgrade from compact” scam. Just like New York, all the cabbies over here are middle eastern types. For cry-yi..

My cab driver, Achmood (pronounced “Ach-mood”) turns out to be a stand-up guy. He too is unawares of the ending of “Marley and Me” and is consequently moved by said denouement. He is so moved as to offer me a discount rate off his normally low low rate of 112000 Rials to the Hilton. Anyone got change for a 200,000 Rial note?

Thursday June 24, 2009
Shahid Khoddami St., 3:39pm

Sig Alert! Streets cock-blocked all the way to the Hilton, now know as the Hotel Esteghial. I’d kill for a Red Roof Inn and a cinnamon bun breakfast buffet about now. Achmood can’t move forward/can’t move back. I have a good mind to lace up my Rockports and hoof it the remainder of the way to the Presidential palace.

Thursday June 24, 2009
Presidential Palace Blockades, 3:51pm

Hoofin’ it, sweating like Frank Langella in “Frost/Nixon.” Here’s a tidbit they left out of the Lonely Planet Guide to Iran (1975 ed.) Do NOT flash your American Passport, or Illinois Driver’s License at the gate of the Presidential Palace and ask for “someone who speaks English.” Not even if you’re expected.

Thursday June 24, 2009
Presidential Palace “Visitors Center,” 4:11pm

Miscommunication with Revolutionary Guard sorted out. BIG misunderstanding. They can’t believe my father voted for Jimmy Carter (twice.) HAhahaha. Assured I could contact American Embassy for return of my passport and clothing.

Thursday June 24, 2009
Presidential Palace, Undisclosed Location, 6:09pm

Ensconced with a pile of election receipts thicker than Oprah’s wallet. Refuse use of “official” government computers and abacus. Do these guys think I just fell off the falafel truck? Pull out my trusty Tandy 10-key ($14.99 at Radioshack.com) and go to work. Air conditioning good, but not great; can’t open window with safety bars.

Friday June 25, 2009
Presidential Palace, Burning the Midnight Oil

Hmm.. I’m not sayin’ that these books are cooked, necessarily, but according to my preliminary calculations, the Iranian city of Karaj (pop. 1,398,060) cast 17 million votes. Making it larger than the cities of Chicago, and Tehran. COMBINED. Who knew?

Friday June 25, 2009
Presidential Palace, The Wee Hrs.

M’bad. Clerical error. Of the 17 million votes cast in Karaj, only 15 million cast for President -- and still champion – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, approximately 1 million for challenger -- the honorable Mir-Hossein Mousavi -- and the remaining mil and change for Pat Buchanan. Who knew?

Friday June 25, 2009
Islamic Call to Prayer - Dawn

Yawwwn. Awakened by traditional Adhan, or “Iranian Alarm Clock.” No breakfast burrito/no problem. This Muezzin fellow (rhymes with “Sue Ezzin”) has some serious pipes. How do we get this guy to sing the Star Spangled at Wrigley? Probably not. “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” during the 7th inning stretch? Couldn’t be any worse than Ditka.

I think I’m on to something: 12 million of 17 million “questionable” votes in Karaj correspond with death certificates of population in said municipality. Puh-leeze, this trick was older than Robert Byrd. In the city of Chicago, we have F.O.A.s (Friends of Abe) Lincoln voting in the last election. Allegedly.

Friday June 25, 2009
Islamic Call to Prayer – Round Two - Noon

Say what you want about Ahmadinejad. Crazy talk about our Jewish friends. More stubble than Don Johnson.. And I’ve seen better suits on an undertaker. But from where I’m sitting, in a windowless room with a humidifier and a gift basket CHOCKFUL of pistachios from the man himself, he’s all-right with me. These are BIG pistachios mind you, easily split. No staining of your fingernails like the cheap stuff at the Trader Joes. You look at these things and they open. Pinch me, I’m in PISTACHIO HEAVEN!

Friday June 25, 2009
The Deep Dark Truthful Mirror of My Soul

Hang on. According to my interpretation of Iranian election codes, - and this is sketchy now, since my English/Farsi dictionary is missing several hundred pages, “any citizen living or deceased, is allowed to vote in Presidential elections.. as many times as is permissible by the Supreme Council.” Hmmm.. Somewhere in the big polling place in the sky, Mayor Daley (Sr.) is pulling a lever (2x) and river-dancing like the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

Does this change things? Yes, and no. Yes, depending on your religious beliefs --does reincarnation count as one vote, or many? And no, since the numbers don’t lie, unless you’re Bernie Madoff.

Saturday June 26, 2009
The Streets of Tehran –Homeward bound

I think I catch a glimpse of Supreme Leader on the way back to the airport, but considering smoke and flame, can’t be too sure. Everyone’s got a ZZ Top/Steve Earle thing going. Achmood agrees to round-trip discount and vows to stay in touch via Twitter. Maybe it’s the air quality, maybe what the French call a “piquant ennui,” but my eyes water as I watch him scrape “Mousavi Nowie!” bumper sticker off cab.

I wouldn’t run a national election this way. Hell, I wouldn’t run my fantasy football league this way (tip: Bears Defense/Patriots Offense.) But it is what it is, and as in Dade 2000, the results speak for themselves. And in my humble opinion, Pat Buchanan has a legit beef as the legitimately elected President of Iran.