Sunday Sceneggiata

Panda/Express

Fri., Nov. 20, 2009

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Tai Shan, the National Zoo's main attraction for the last four years and its only surviving giant panda cub, will be taken to China in early February. Tai Shan is being sent back as part of a long-standing agreement made with the Chinese government. Under the agreement, any panda cub born at the zoo must be returned to China for breeding.

What’s with all the balloons, yo?

You don’t think I know? You don’t think I’ll notice when I’m in a country where everyone speaks like my parents and there’s no Google?

You take me for a fool, fools?

I’m born and bred in the hood, THE DISTRICT. The Wire, son!

Where any fool can walk into the cheetah enclosure with a .45 - who’s faster than a speeding bullet NOW, cat?

Surprise party? That’s the most passive/aggressive form of communal expression. You don’t think I saw this coming? I may be a bear, but I ain’ t no Yogi Bear..

I know what this is about. What it's always been about.

It's about getting laid.

Be fruitful and multiply. And for us, that is a multiple of one.

What do they expect? I wear my fur baggy, and my baseball cap backwards. You think my odds are better over there? Not with my accent..

I get it.. They don't want me in some Oedipal clinch with my mom. And the nearest chick is in San Diego and I don't do the long distance thing.

But to pimp me out like some racetrack stud. Man, that is just plain WRONG.

What is this – Fiddler on The Roof? Maybe I’m plain ADD not interested in girls right now.

Maybe I'm gay. Or Jewish. Does anyone ask? Nah..

And I know how this story ends.

It ends like the Elian Gonzalez story ends.

Only Oreo-boy here ain’t got no shot at swimmin’ back up Chesapeake Bay on a Michelin Man rubber raft and seeking political asylum. It’s a slow-boat to China, one-way ticket, yeah!

And in the current security climate, there’s no way I’m sneaking back into the U.S. of A. disguised as something you win at the Chuck E. Cheese skee ball.

Once I’m gone, I’m AUDI..

And I’m an American, yo! I was born here! I gotz rights! Right?

Whatever happened to DEMO-crasssy, Mr. Obama?

The People’s revolution didn’t fall in Tiananmen Square, Tiananmen Square fell on us!

Man, I got no love for the Frogs and Nationalisme Français..Top oBottom of Form

But I don’t see them repossessing the Statue of Liberty, comprenez?

Sure I've heard all the rumors -- How good my life will be there under the rice paper umbrella of the People’s republic.. Hell-o? Marco! Polo! You think I give a year of the rat’s ass how strong the Chinese Yuan is against the dollar? Like the 'bamboo" over there tastes so much better?

Bamboo is bamboo, yo!

You're thinking - this is just another way for the Chinese to fuck us over..
And you're right..

But how do they know I'm not just some type of Manchurian candidate who's going to snap and tear off your kids face.. uh-huh-huh!

So c’mon China. Come and get me..

No zoo can hold me. I’m all like Damon in All The Pretty Horses. I’ll fight club my way out of there with a lunch tray or sharpened bamboo shiv. Fuck with me, you fuck with the eagle.

The American eagle.

Sniff-sniff..

The moment I smell their cheap knock-off perfumes – Charlie(Chan!) Ancient Spice! – wafting into my habitat, I'm planning my escape like Lecter.

I’ll be back.

Like 80s music and wide lapels. Like Brett Favre.

Lovable? I’m money, baby. I am a cottage industry. I am studied and adored. They make stationary from my shit and sell it in the gift store.. and shit..

I’m unstoppable. I’m a force of nature.

I’m bigger than Jesus.

Sniff-sniff..

1.3 Billion people can’t all be wrong.