Sunday Sceneggiata

Silenzio/Stampa

An undisclosed location, somewhere near Superman’s fortress of solitude.

All alone.

Surrounded by nothing but my loyal posse.

And my high school friends.

And my.. what are they called?

Thoughts. I think?

(sigh)

To be or not to be.. and all that jazz.

What’s next? Hell, I don’t know- Hold on.. Cellie.

Jay-Z, whassup?

Your stock, brother. Where you at?

Umm.. I’m a the Pizza Hut..

I’m at the Taco Bell..

I’m at the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell! (Snicker-snicker.) I love that song.

Me, too. So, really. Where you AT?

(sigh) I don’t know Jay - Did Moses know when he lead the Israelites out of bondage to you know.. Israel?”

Actually he did. He spoke to G-d.

And I’m speakin’ to you.

Flattered. (beat) Does this mean you’re coming to Jersey?

I thought the stadium was in Brooklyn.

Build it, and ye will come.

Peace, Brother.

(clik)

Amazing cell reception up here in (undisclosed location.) I got THREE BARS!.. Who else got bars?…

(Vibbbbbrrate.)

Yeahhhhlo?

King. It’s Spike.

(Beat)

Lee.

Oh yeah, yeah. Little fella. Big goggles.

King. I’m calling you courtside from the Garden.

Season’s over for the Knicks.. Don’t the circus come to town? Celine Dion?

Doesn’t matter. I live here. I breathe here. I’m having takeout from Nobu delivered here until you sign.

Sushi don’t travel little man..

King. After you sign here, I will be here. Courtside. Every single game. Even road games.

(Clik)

Memo to NYC – send someone “persuasive.” Like Alicia Keys. Or Charlie Rose.

Yo! What’s income tax in New York these days??

6.85%?...

..times…

A jillion?.... Do the math, son!

Hold on.. Caller id.. Moscow?? Who we know in Moscow? ‘cept..

Mikhail?

LeBron. I covet you. Like Park Place in Monopoly. I have you. Da?

Nyet. Commish said he’d find anyone for tampering.

Fuck Stern. Fuck the NBA. Go ahead fine me. I’m going to buy not just Nets, but whole NBA, and then make myself commissioner and Emperor for life, and then fine myself. HA!

Mikhail Prokhorov, you a tall, crazy man.

And handsome.

But didn’t you like.. survive the government’s putsch against all those oligarchs? I mean comrades were getting whacked left and right like we got punked by Boston..

Da. So?

You scare me, Mikhail.

I’m having this call trace-

(clik) Caviar dreams, sucker..

Thought this cellie was private.

Who all in this entourage is responsible for UN-listed numbers? Geeezz.. Ring/ring/ring –

(Ring)

LBJ – It’s Mark Cuban buddy!

Cubist! In the Big D.

Come to Dallas. You’ll be bigger than J.R… Bigger than that Jerry Jones phallus-surrogate stadium.

Whose your coach down there?

I got Phil Jackson on a three-way.. patching him in..

Zen Meister! I’m thrilled you’re interested in joining my posse.. but what kind of pieces they got left down there on the Mavs? Brother Nowitizki is a free agent. J. Kidd’s practically in a wheel chair.

LeBron, it’s not about them. It’s about me. I could win with you, the Kobe Puppet, and that Russian guy with the Nyets. Just haven’t decided if I “want to” yet..

That reminds me – got a call to make. Lates.

(clik/clik/speed-dial)

You’ve reached the home of Kobe Puppet, aka The Black Mamba and LeBron Puppet. If were not here, Kobe’s probably out winning a championship.. again..

C’mon fool, pick up! I know you’re there!

23?

24.

What can I do you for?

Kobe puppet.. I got any mail.. or leave any.. umm.. shoes?..

(beat)

What’s on your mind roomie?

Kob.. you done it all. championships and all. chase Shaq out of town. Speak Japanese.

Italian.

Arrigato. I figure you might know. . What do I do?

Hmm..hmmm..leseee.. I ‘m sorry.. What was the question? Got distracted polishing all my CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS.. FOUR RINGS..

Thanks for naught.

What did you expect. I’m a puppet!

(clik)

Ain’t we all.

Whatthis… 216 area code.. I’ll take that.

Mr. James. Dennis Kucnich.

Who dat?

I’m a Congressman. Used to be Mayor of Cleveland.

I’m the Mayor of Cleveland.

Hahaha. yes you are. And if you stay in Cleveland, where it’s estimated your presence is worth no less than 4.3 BILLION.. that’s million with a B dollars.. I’m prepared to offer you the following…

Go fish..

Statue of your likeness outside Quicken arena.. while you’re still alive..

Keep going..

Parquet floor with your likeness designed by LeRoy Neiman..

I dribble on me?

Cool, huh. Unofficially. Hush-hush now. The City of Cleveland will issue municipal bonds equal in sum to 4.3 billion dollars, half of which will be paid to you.. in deferred payments.. half of which will be used towards cost of renaming State of Ohio, LeBron-o, including issuance of legal tender currency coins with your likeness. I talked to the Franklin Mint, this stuff is outrageous!..

(Silence)

LeBron.. Penny for your thoughts? Penny with your likeness on it??

Yeah, yeah. I get back to you Dennis.

(clik)

..you crazy little Leprechaun..

LeBron, Craig Sager here, TNT Sports..

What’s up Willy Wonka? And how’d you… phone didn’t even ring!

I have my own app built into your iPhone.

You all-powerful Sags..

I am ubiquitous. Two questions LeBron – First - Any truth to the rumor that you and you alone have been added to the Brazil, North Korea, Ivory Coast, and Portugal in the World Cup group G, collectively known as the “Group of Death?

That’s a myth. (sigh) Didn't qualify.

One more - The Finale of “Lost” Was everyone just living in your world, a product of your deeper consciousness?

That one’s true.

Think about it. It's the only "logical" explanation.. Damn, someone get me Lost on DVD and PSP!

And do me a large?

(STOMP-STOMP-STOMP)

Someone clean up this iPhone that is NO LONGER FUNCTIONING!

Now, to meditate. Or maybe a snack. Juice box?..

Chosen one - It’s G-d.

How’d you get this number?

I have everyone’s number.

You would indeed.

I want to help.

Thank G-d. Sorry. I’m sure you get that a lot.

It’s still nice to hear.

What do I do, big man. I’m in your hands.

First off, lose the headband.

That’s my signature.

It’s bush league. You in a Thursday night league at the YMCA?

Plus. It makes your head look big.

Noted.

(streeetch)

Removing head band. Now where do I sign?

I’ve thought long and hard about this. And the only logical choice for you to win a championship, and maximize marketing potential is-

Where? O holy one? Blessed be he?

(heavenly choir hold music)

I’m sorry, LeBron this is Mona, G-d’s assistant..

Say what?

So sorry, but G-d’s been called away on an emergency. This whole Gulf Oil Spill disaster.

Can we reschedule?

Lemmee see.. he is BOOKED.. SOLID. Swamped. Tomorrow, World Cup tickets. Next month.. oops.. something I can’t tell you, but I would stay out of Gaza. But he will return your call ASAP..

Return? He called me!

Be good LeBron. Say your prayers. Buh-bye..

I am truly alone. With no one to count on.. but three people. Me. Myself. I.

Posse members. MEETING! Everyone in my lair! Avengers Assemble!

You! Childhood friend! Where’s my magic 8-ball at?

This ends now!

(shake-shake/double-dribble/shake)

Here we go.. At long last - THE ANSWER..

(beat)

Outlook murky?

Shee-it. anybody got a coin?

(flip)

One that doesn’t have my face on it??