Sunday Sceneggiata

Killer/App

This is the greatest app.. ever..

No.. really..

It’s not just YouTube and Facebook and built-in compass and light saber-sound cool..

But get this –

(must make sure that there’s no one within earshot)

My iPod can see the future.

Cool!  Right?

I wouldn’t suggest you run out to the apps store and get one.. For one thing, I’ve got the only one!  For another, Once you get past the stock tips and the sports scores (this thing has paid for itself .. twice over!) it becomes a heavy responsibility.

Ipso facto/Q.E.D. (both learned from my latin dictionary app) --

Do I tell everyone (or just Facebook friends) about the coming biblical flood (calamity caused not by melting ice caps, but a 2% rise in..  shh!  I've already said too much!)

Take it from Bob Dylan (iTunes!) you better start swimmin', or you'll sink like a stone!

I know what you’re thinking.  (My iPod is not merely clairvoyant, but telepathic as well.)  At first I thought – impossible!  Maybe it’s just a system error, a glitch which would resolve itself when I downloaded the new iPod operating system ($29.95 presently, but only 111,121,111.00 Buffetian Universal Ducets (BUD) in the future currency system, I’ll explain later.) 

Or maybe it was just my neighbor’s iPod which could see the future, and I was siphoning off his Wi-fi?

And furthermore, why me?  How me?  Maybe it’s just another one of those wonky apps I shouldn’t have downloaded after seeing the silhouette people dancing on the commercial – like say… the “Are you a Foodie or A Jew?” app  (turns out I’m both!)

But then I got to thinking – if I’m Steve Jobs.. and I want to get this thing out into the water supply.. I ’m not going to advertise it (this ain’t New Coke!) but rather he’d slip it out on little cats feet.

The man’s the living embodiment of Willy Wonka (only not so menacing) and I got a golden ticket!  Woo-hoo!

Before you get jealous (see: burden, above) note that I didn’t ask for this.. and I certainly don’t want to hog it..  If you want to know more, especially those of you with interests in financial market crashes (I cannot say more.. just.. cash in your cash – it’s Monopoly money!)  just send me an email.. better yet..  a tweet at..

Hold on!  Message coming in..  From tomorrow!

..............................

Sorry, ‘bout that.   Correction: It was my neighbor’s Wi-Fi. 

But then in the interest of science, and societal ethics, and, since, y’know.. he changed his password protection (what kind of password is “My Modem?”) I was forced to find a new “hotspot.”

I haven’t paid for internet access since I got this thing, nor before.  But especially not “post-Future-iPod” informed me that Wi-Fi access was a Bush (Jeb) Cheney (Mary) White House plot to monitor the private lives of Americans who opposed their formation of a third.. and fourth intergalactic/interspecies political party.

Yet this morning when I grabbed my iced-blended at the Coffee Bean, and logged in off their Wi-Fi (future secret:  every Coffee Bean will have an internet access code located in the bottom left-hand corner of their video display board.. check it out if you don’t believe me!) I was instantly online, and in touch with the leader of Neo-Interplanetary Revolutionary Underground  - salutations Anna Paquin!

Mind-blowing, huh?  Want more proof?  My iPod doesn’t have a battery.. or extension cord.. hahahaha.. thought of that, too.  I flipped it over and it’s solid as a rock, no double AAs, no solar recharger.. though that is an option the Jobs clones (more on that later) will introduce (to the Southern Hemisphere, and only on AT&T) in the year 20--..

............................

They’re after me! 

Hunting me. 

And they can smell me.  (iScent – Free!)

Fortunately, I have a plan.  Or more specifically, my iPod has a plan (iPlan – an app not available at ANY price) and if you’re reading this, you’re probably not “evolved” enough to read my thoughts and know precisely what I’m talking about.  But an app that makes EVERY decision for you (what a relief) and hatches a scheme aka “a plan” – well my friends.. that’s better than a Magic 8 Ball, or rock/paper/scissors.. or calling my cousin Max, which is how I used to make all my decisions.

I do not mean to imply that in the future the iPod has replaced all human decision making and we are at the mercy of the machines (not.. quite, though there are quantum dimensions where this has unfolded.)

No, rather, the iPod is for me, a crutch;  and like many handicaps, the casual acquaintance is too embarrassed to point it out.  Go ahead, I say!  Call attention to my “challenge.”  For I can read minds without its assistance.  Or should I say, “link” minds without it.   If you are in my iMind network, then you’ve already shared this thought.  And you know what I’ve long suspected;  that everyone with the iMind app is able to speak to both the “Windows” and “Mac” guy(s) on the tv commercials.

And by speak I mean not just speak.

But speak without speaking..

Or the use of a mouse..

Spine-tingling, right?  Brrrr…. (and ouch) My skin is very sensitive, you see.

For my skin is now a touchscreen.

My fingertips. Are like.. umm.. Fingertips.

And wherever they touch.

I feel.

This app must be stopped, the rip in the time/space continuum mended.  If only I could get back to our dimension.  I’ve been trying to get in touch with Anna Paquin, but she’s gone into hiding.

My only hope?  An audience with the future Job Clones (the good ones, NOT the evil colony.)  But I’m still on hold with customer service.  Time slows down.  It’s all irrelevant/relative when you can mold time like child’s clay.

I can wait.  Forever.  Or at least until someone invents an app to save me.

Or the Jobsians update this thing.

Still on hold..

Fading/Collapsing/rebirthing as a supernova.

Still don’t believe me?  Did I mention the Yankees winning the world series (in six?)

Aha!

Still not convinced?

Did I mention that my iPod is also a phone?

If  you’re reading this -- on paper --  It’s not too late.  The future is nigh.

And if you find my iPod, whatever you do, don’t press the app marked --