(clik)
President Clinton… Secretary Clinton will be with you shortly..
“Hummmm.. I.. could drink.. a case of..”
“William??”
(inhale/EXHALE)
“Willlllliammmm?…”
(heavy breathing)
“What are you wearing?”
“A smile. Now tell me about the trip. I need to know everything.”
(sigh)
“As a husband, or as an ‘unofficial’ diplomatic envoy of the United States government?”
“This is State Department Business. This call may be recorded.”
(sigh)
“What plays in Pyongyang/stays in Pyongyang.”
“From the top please. How was your flight?
“From here to ETERNITY! Private charter, NO ESPN. BBC the only station that came in clear. Had to watch Gordon G-ddamn Ramsey making casserole the whole dang way. Next time I use those flier miles on Singapore Air.”
“Next time?”
(hahaHAHA-cackle-snort)
“Don’t mock me Hilary Rodham. I’m not in the mood. You played me like a Nintendo Wii.”
“Moi?”
“First off, those two Asian gals – neither of ‘em was the gal from ‘The View.’”
“I never said..”
“And neither of them was PAMELA ANDERSON.”
“I never said Pam Anderson was a prisoner of the North Korean government.”
“Your aide did!”
“Perhaps ‘implied..’”
“Liar/Liar/Pantsuit on Fire!”
“Tell me about Kim Jong Il..”
“Little fella, kinda kooky but sweet. Ain’t gonna be prom king..”
“What did you talk about?”
“Nothing much at first. Kids. Sports. A tacit understanding of American nuclear imperialism on the Korean peninsula as a stumbling block to bilateral disarmament talks. The usual “Dr. Strangelove” missile-straddling-whose-gamecock-is-bigger BS.”
(silence)
“Did he mention me?”
“In what context?”
(cold silence)
“What happened next?”
“Lunch. Spicy but not too spicy. Hot towels.”
“After lunch. Were you alone?”
“We’re all alone, Hils.”
“With Kim?”
“Gimme a break, Madame Secretary! I mention ‘hot towels’ and you get visions of me getting a tug job from Miss Saigon next to the strong man of the North.”
“It wasn’t like that?..”
“I wish!”
“I need specifics, William. On-the-record..”
“We played Scrabble.”
“Scrabble?”
“Dude is a FIEND. One of those guys who sits on the can with the ‘Scrabble Players Dictionary’ and memorizes all the little three letter words. Words that start with Q. Maybe that’s why he’s so svelte.”
“What’s your secret?”
(chuckle-chuckle)
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
(garbled male voice)
“Who was that?”
(giggles)
“No one.. A friend..”
“We don’t have friends in Washington, sister.”
“..only people whom owe us favors, I know-I know. So what else did you learn about Kim? A feeling? A vibe?”
“Crosswords. We both do the Crossword. Only there, it’s in Korean and not even SUPERbama could solve that.”
“The President’s a very bright man.”
“Yeah-yeah-yeah. And when I’m on the Supreme Court, I’m gonna wear pants under the robe.”
“Anything else?”
“Suduko. Hershey’s Miniatures. Kim Jong Il breaks out a copy of Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate. Some Jello shots. Then he hands over the girls like the keys to the rental car.”
“Did you take that car out for a spin?”
“They are married. BOTH of ‘em. Kept to themselves and ate a bowl of Starbursts. Al Gore’s got a better chance of winning the Nobel Prize than I do scorin’ with those gals..”
“Al won the Nobel Prize.”
(static/pffft/hoarse laughter)
“What was that? You’re breakin’ up Hils..”
“I said.. ‘Don’t unpack your bags..”
“’Scuse me?”
“I’m sending you to Tehran, next.”
“Uh-uh”
“Uh-huh”
(sigh)
“I want an official jet this time. With fondue. And a badge. (beat) And a Kindle.“
“I’ll make some calls.”
“Can I ask whyyyyy Tehran?”
“Umm.. They’ve taken Megan Fox hostage.”
“Don’t fuck with me, Hilary – I read 'Us Magazine..' online.. everyday.”
“Mr. Kindle reads ‘Us?’”
“Yeah, it’s like ‘People’ with bigger tits.”
(gnashing teeth)
“Madame Secretary – any message you wish to deliver?”
“For President Ahmadinejad?”
(heavy breathing)
“For me..”
(giggle)
“I love you, Mr. President.”
(moan)
“I love you, too Dragon-First-Lady.”
(air-kiss)
(air-kiss)
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