Super/bad

TO: (NFL/CFL/UFC/Pro Wrestling) GENERAL MANAGER
FROM: WORLDWIDE FOOTBALL MGMT, INC.
SUBJECT: MICHAEL VICK IS BACK

Dear Friend:

Hey-hey.. Don’t throw this away as SPAM. This is the real thing. This is NOT from the Amalgamated Bank of Nigeria and I am NOT seeking to regain my fortune with the help of American friends..

Ok. I am. Sort of.

As you may have heard, my client Michael Vick was recently released after 18 months in Federal prison, and roughly 60 days in home confinement -- minus Dish TV. Which is a blessing considering that those ankle bracelets wreak havoc on your satellite reception.

As the legally licensed and State (by State) approved (NY, GA, and District of Columbia pending) representative of Michael Vick, I ask you:

Is there room on your roster for a man who once gave his all (and regrettably, his middle finger) to the good people of Atlanta?

You’re probably asking yourself:

Why should I invite Michael Vick to my training camp?

I’m glad you asked.

MICHAEL VICK CARES

How much does Michael Vick care?
So much so that it hurts..

As much as a Rottweiler with a Pit Bull’s foaming jaws around his neck?

Probably not.

But A LOT.

You need more?

MICHAEL VICK IS SUPERBAD

Not like those kids in the “Superbad” movie.
Well.. if you can call them kids. They’re like 30.

And not that Michael Vick would say no to those kind of movie bucks. Hey! Apatow! How ‘bout a movie about Michael Vick and a knocked up virgin? Hahahahaha!

No, Michael Vick is BAD ASS.

How bad ass?

You won’t catch him dating Jessica Simpson.
(Contractually guaranteed.)

MICHAEL VICK IS AN EDUCATOR

No less an authority than James Brown.. no not THAT ONE.. the CBS sports guy, said that Michael was:

“..Very committed and passionate about his efforts to continue educating youngsters, particularly youngsters in urban areas.” (aka major market football cities.)

Would I leave Michael Vick alone with my natural (or adopted) kids, from either of my marriages? Sure.. for a short period of time.

And incidentally, the other James Brown would have LOVED Michael Vick. Can you imagine the SHENANIGANS those two would have stirred up? SAY IT LOUD – I’m Michael Vick and I’m PROUD!

MICHAEL VICK HAS AFFORDABLE HEALTH INSURANCE

Can you say the same?

MICHAEL VICK IS REMORSEFUL

Michael Vick learned in prison. And not just how to pump iron and or make a shiv out of a spring-loaded toilet paper roller. (remember – you don’t fuck with Michael Vick – see: SUPERBAD above.)

MICHAEL VICK HAS GOLDEN REFERENCES

And I quote Super Bowl winning coach and all-around Christian good guy Tony Dungy, who has offered to mentor, and if necessary, car pool with Michael Vick should.. natch.. when he returns to the NFL:

“Hey.. if I wanted to sign this guy, I would want to sign this guy, I would want to look in his eyes and find out if anything’s different – give me that feel.”

But I warn you, take care looking into Michael Vick’s deep, soulful brown eyes because…

MICHAEL VICK IS HYPNOTIC

Look deeper into his eyes.. I dare you..

You can try to pull away from his gaze, but it will not be easy since..

MICHAEL VICK HAS A FIRM HANDSHAKE

Good luck breaking free. He’s got you in his VICE-LIKE grip. Blood drips from your fingers while Michael Vick applies the power of suggestion mastered via Neuro-linguistic programming (learned in prison.. Michael Vick eschewed “Sports Illustrated” and was always the first to grab “Wired” off the magazine cart.)

With a grip like that, can you imagine what he’d do to a football? To the choke collar around a Rottweiler’s throat?

MICHAEL VICK IS ON YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM

‘Nuff said.

And on 60 MINUTES!

Suck on that Andy Rooney!

SCOREBOARD, baby! BOO-yah!

MICHAEL VICK IN 2012

America needs Michael Vick. Bite one for the Gipper!

WOOF-WOOF-WOOF!

And as if you need more reasons..

JESUS FORGIVES MICHAEL VICK

Won’t you?