NP/OB/GYN

From the Desk of:

Natalie Portman's Gynecologist

What's wrong with you?..

Hmmm... that's tough to say..
(which is another way of saying..)

Hmmm..

(sigh)

Let's eliminate the obvious.. You're here!

How was traffic? Did you take surface streets or the subway?..

Yup. That explains why YOU were on time..

Hahahaha.. In all seriousness.. Have you had any trouble sleeping? Irritability? Other than right now.

Check.

Describe your symptoms..

Really?

AND THAT?

Wow-za..

It's like.. (but not unlike) hmm.. did you see the movie "Avatar?” In 3D?

Why does that matter? Well, what you’re experiencing is nothing like that,

but I was thinking of installing a home theatre system with 3D.

Back to your chart, eh? Do you smoke?

Do you mind if I do?

Okay-dokay.. Get undressed. I know it’s only a consult, but I don’t want to be the only one sitting here emotionally naked!

Before we go further, I wish to state that although I took an oath – “First do no harm, don’t work on the High Holidays, etc.” – I am nevertheless human.

I play favorites.

And you. Yes, you. Are a favorite.

Is it because we both went to Harvard? Perhaps.

It remains self-evident that not all patients are created equal, and you, young lady – are unequaled.

Can I be more specific? Let me put it like this –

You know how in “Black Swan” – which incidentally, the Missus, and the Mistress, both loved – Bravo!

You know how you played opposite that Mila Kunis girl from TV, and that movie in Hawaii where the fella shows his schlong? Yes, of course. You worked with her!

And she’s a beauty. Sultry. But when she’s up there on the Angelika bigscreen – or my soon-to-be-Samsung 65 incher. . On the screener I got from Meryl (last name deleted per doctor/patient confidentiality agreement.)

Well that Kunis girl, next to the porcelain Lladro figurine perfection that is your punim? She’s a miskite!

And that.. THAT’S how I feel about you.. About yours..

They’re not all cut from the same mold, not by a long shot! And I’ve seen ‘em all.

Golden Globe. WINNERS. Oscar. NOMINEES. For sixteen years running I’ve been the consulting OB/GYN for the Tony Awards – mostly wardrobe stuff - which places you in intimate contact with the aforementioned Meryl (okay-okay.. MARKOE.) And a woman quite possibly, but not necessarily married to Sam Shepard, whose name rhymes with “Dr. Strange.”

Does the name Scarlett.. oy.. nothing rhymes with.. okay-okay..

Scar-lett.. So handsome..

Still not impressed?

(whispered) Katie.. Sherlock.. (Blank.)

You pay more to see me, because I can keep a secret. Because I am discreet. Because I’m the only private individual in the city (this side of Port Authority) who has a Dyson Airblade Dryer in his bathroom. That’s how much I care!

Let’s see what all the fuss is about. Sit up straight and breath deeply.. Hmm..

Swollen breasts.. Skin appears rosy and flush. Elevated body temperature. Sounds like an enticing Jdate profile!

Or you’re pregnant. Yes. I can tell that you can tell. No need to explain how or why.

Whew. Do you need to wash your hands? I probably should. Or can I offer you a drink? No, of course not. But I can use one. There’s a bottle of schnapps the cleaning lady keeps in one of these drawers..

For you – water. Lots of it. And folic acid. Pre-natal vitamins. Fish oil.

For me, and millions of others – the death of a dream.

Question: Do you know whom the father is? Of course you do, but I have to ask. It’s that Frenchman who choreographed your dance moves, yes? I forget – what’s his last name? And where do his parents go to shul?

Nevermind. The important thing is that the mother is Jewish, Ms. Hershlag.

Listen to me – babbling on. Do you have any questions for me?

Ultrasound?

Why? Did you injure yourself dancing?

Oh-oh. The child’s sex? (Knock-wood)

It’s a boy!

How do I know without checking? How do you remember your lines in a movie? Hard-work. Experience. And prophecy. This is no parlor room trick, no bubbameister. No, it has long been foretold that the Messiah.. is a boy.

Baruch HaShem.

Hold on - Where are you going?

No, stay, relax. Padmé, please.. No need to rush – I validate! At least take some literature.. Okay, go if you must, but know this – Cravings are not uncommon. Nausea. Mood swings. Some spotting.

And you don’t have to marry him if it’s not right.

Either way - Mazel tov and be well!

Have you thought about names? I like Elior.

It’s Hebrew for Luke.

Veritas!

Rally/Rally

Rallies we’d like to see, (weather permitting.)

Honoring Restoration Hardware

A welcome respite in any mall. Comforting comforters. Cocktail books that you can shoplift in your girlfriend's purse. Woven sea grass welcome mats that scream "DO Tread On Me!" Overheard: “Gee that dish towel is ADORABLE!” And only $200.00 (for a set of three!) PRECIOUS!

Transforming America

How cool would it be if we could all turn into robots?.. Like.. umm CHINA! Or cars? Or robot cars? Let's end our dependence on foreign oil AND burn rubber in the process!

Reboot the DVR

Mine's full (Top Chef Marathon!) Is yours? Let's try a fresh start - together. What do we want?! MORE SPACE! How do we do it? Let's ask my nephew.

Rally, Rally ! Pitcher’s Name is Sally

This popular schoolyard taunt never resulted in anything more than any icy stare from the mound.. maybe an inside fastball. WHERE’S THE HARM? Let’s put back the civility in civilityzation!

Gumball Rally

Tagline: “No catalytic converter and no 55 mph speedlimit.” NOT the 1976 Michael Sarazain/Raul Julia road movie romp. Okay, let’s say BASED on the 1976 road movie romp. Call me nostalgic, but think about how much cooler your life was when taxes were lower, you could still rough a quarterback, and all you had to worry about was hot pursuit by Gary Busey in the Camero Z-28 car? And I quote: “..the first rule of Italian racing: What’s behind me is not important.” Words to live by – right?Rebuilding Fortress America.

I was thinking about this one at Home Depot the other day – which is so much cooler a name than Builder’s Emporium. Or is it the other way around? Either way, how many times did America get attacked by Al-Qaeda types when we were known as “Fortress America?” With me?

I’m not talking like a nickname like “The “Invincible” Iron Man, but officially changing our currency and flag and vanity license plates to FORTRESS AMERICA™! “IN FORTRESS AMERICA We Trust!” The USA Network now known as “Fortress America Home Shopping Channel.” Stuff like that.

Scenario: Terrorist #1: “Hey, want to go bomb “FORTRESS AMERICA?” Terrorist #2: (spits out his Red Bull & Vodka) “No way, hom-bre! We’d stand a better chance blowing up Darth Vader’s unblowable Death Star than FORTRESS AMERICA!”

We’re talking UNBREAKABLE COMB here. Time to put the “imp” back in IMPERVIOUS!

Restocking the Fridge

Is it your turn? Or my turn? Who cares – IT’S OUR TURN. Something smells rotten in America’s icebox (it’s probably in the lettuce bin.) Let’s turn back the clock, and the temperature – remember REAL root beer popsicles? Astronaut Space Sticks? Does peanut butter have to be refrigerated or not? Give us back chocolate milk made by cows – SOY IS SOYLENT GREEN!

Redeeming (Full Value)

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stopped at the local supermarket, by a fellow who lives out of a wobbly shopping cart, or a kid named “Jaden,” who tells me that bottles are for recycling, not returning for hard-earned Fortress American CASH. Okay.. it’s happened twice. When did this start happening? I know a guy who put himself through med school (offshore) by returning Fanta cartons.. And that guy drives a Prius now, so suck on that GLOBAL WARMING ALARMISTS. I feel like smashing all those bottles against a dumpster behind my old junior high, only now the dumpster is made of PLASTIC!.. Agggghh..

Bringing Back the 8-track Tape

Not so fast, right? You’re thinking – I just figured out how to burn all my vinyl to cassette tape! But this a quality, not a quantity issue. Did 8-track sound better than digital audio? Who can tell? I’m not a “robot.” Was it cheaper? Pro-rated for today’s dollar? Go ask an economist on NPR!

All I’m saying is that 8 songs were always higher in QUALITY than 800. Take Zeppelin IV or Back in Black - I’ll take the pound for pound hard-rocking AWESNICITY of Tommy Tutone’s Jenny(and whatever other seven crappy songs were on that tap) over the 75 minutes of synthesized FILLER perpetrated by Katy Perry on her latest magnum opus. Challenge: If I want more than two or three Lil’ Wayne songs, I’ll sneak down to my parents’ basement and download the rest from my Atari computer.

Remembering

That’s it. Just remembering. Remember when remembering was enough? When figuring out where you parked your car after that night of strobe-lighted Animal House frivolity with that girl who worked for Pabst Blue Ribbon and hooked you up with that free satin jacket and the Mickey’s Big Mouth beer light that still shines in your parents’ basement.. was enough? Isn’t it comforting to know that memories aren’t just for boring documentaries about the Civil War, but for lovers of Bartles & James “Melon Splash,” too!


Join me now -

Fortress AMERICA!

Fortress AMERICA!

Fortress.. you get it..

Sunday Sceneggiata

Silenzio/Stampa

An undisclosed location, somewhere near Superman’s fortress of solitude.

All alone.

Surrounded by nothing but my loyal posse.

And my high school friends.

And my.. what are they called?

Thoughts. I think?

(sigh)

To be or not to be.. and all that jazz.

What’s next? Hell, I don’t know- Hold on.. Cellie.

Jay-Z, whassup?

Your stock, brother. Where you at?

Umm.. I’m a the Pizza Hut..

I’m at the Taco Bell..

I’m at the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell! (Snicker-snicker.) I love that song.

Me, too. So, really. Where you AT?

(sigh) I don’t know Jay - Did Moses know when he lead the Israelites out of bondage to you know.. Israel?”

Actually he did. He spoke to G-d.

And I’m speakin’ to you.

Flattered. (beat) Does this mean you’re coming to Jersey?

I thought the stadium was in Brooklyn.

Build it, and ye will come.

Peace, Brother.

(clik)

Amazing cell reception up here in (undisclosed location.) I got THREE BARS!.. Who else got bars?…

(Vibbbbbrrate.)

Yeahhhhlo?

King. It’s Spike.

(Beat)

Lee.

Oh yeah, yeah. Little fella. Big goggles.

King. I’m calling you courtside from the Garden.

Season’s over for the Knicks.. Don’t the circus come to town? Celine Dion?

Doesn’t matter. I live here. I breathe here. I’m having takeout from Nobu delivered here until you sign.

Sushi don’t travel little man..

King. After you sign here, I will be here. Courtside. Every single game. Even road games.

(Clik)

Memo to NYC – send someone “persuasive.” Like Alicia Keys. Or Charlie Rose.

Yo! What’s income tax in New York these days??

6.85%?...

..times…

A jillion?.... Do the math, son!

Hold on.. Caller id.. Moscow?? Who we know in Moscow? ‘cept..

Mikhail?

LeBron. I covet you. Like Park Place in Monopoly. I have you. Da?

Nyet. Commish said he’d find anyone for tampering.

Fuck Stern. Fuck the NBA. Go ahead fine me. I’m going to buy not just Nets, but whole NBA, and then make myself commissioner and Emperor for life, and then fine myself. HA!

Mikhail Prokhorov, you a tall, crazy man.

And handsome.

But didn’t you like.. survive the government’s putsch against all those oligarchs? I mean comrades were getting whacked left and right like we got punked by Boston..

Da. So?

You scare me, Mikhail.

I’m having this call trace-

(clik) Caviar dreams, sucker..

Thought this cellie was private.

Who all in this entourage is responsible for UN-listed numbers? Geeezz.. Ring/ring/ring –

(Ring)

LBJ – It’s Mark Cuban buddy!

Cubist! In the Big D.

Come to Dallas. You’ll be bigger than J.R… Bigger than that Jerry Jones phallus-surrogate stadium.

Whose your coach down there?

I got Phil Jackson on a three-way.. patching him in..

Zen Meister! I’m thrilled you’re interested in joining my posse.. but what kind of pieces they got left down there on the Mavs? Brother Nowitizki is a free agent. J. Kidd’s practically in a wheel chair.

LeBron, it’s not about them. It’s about me. I could win with you, the Kobe Puppet, and that Russian guy with the Nyets. Just haven’t decided if I “want to” yet..

That reminds me – got a call to make. Lates.

(clik/clik/speed-dial)

You’ve reached the home of Kobe Puppet, aka The Black Mamba and LeBron Puppet. If were not here, Kobe’s probably out winning a championship.. again..

C’mon fool, pick up! I know you’re there!

23?

24.

What can I do you for?

Kobe puppet.. I got any mail.. or leave any.. umm.. shoes?..

(beat)

What’s on your mind roomie?

Kob.. you done it all. championships and all. chase Shaq out of town. Speak Japanese.

Italian.

Arrigato. I figure you might know. . What do I do?

Hmm..hmmm..leseee.. I ‘m sorry.. What was the question? Got distracted polishing all my CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS.. FOUR RINGS..

Thanks for naught.

What did you expect. I’m a puppet!

(clik)

Ain’t we all.

Whatthis… 216 area code.. I’ll take that.

Mr. James. Dennis Kucnich.

Who dat?

I’m a Congressman. Used to be Mayor of Cleveland.

I’m the Mayor of Cleveland.

Hahaha. yes you are. And if you stay in Cleveland, where it’s estimated your presence is worth no less than 4.3 BILLION.. that’s million with a B dollars.. I’m prepared to offer you the following…

Go fish..

Statue of your likeness outside Quicken arena.. while you’re still alive..

Keep going..

Parquet floor with your likeness designed by LeRoy Neiman..

I dribble on me?

Cool, huh. Unofficially. Hush-hush now. The City of Cleveland will issue municipal bonds equal in sum to 4.3 billion dollars, half of which will be paid to you.. in deferred payments.. half of which will be used towards cost of renaming State of Ohio, LeBron-o, including issuance of legal tender currency coins with your likeness. I talked to the Franklin Mint, this stuff is outrageous!..

(Silence)

LeBron.. Penny for your thoughts? Penny with your likeness on it??

Yeah, yeah. I get back to you Dennis.

(clik)

..you crazy little Leprechaun..

LeBron, Craig Sager here, TNT Sports..

What’s up Willy Wonka? And how’d you… phone didn’t even ring!

I have my own app built into your iPhone.

You all-powerful Sags..

I am ubiquitous. Two questions LeBron – First - Any truth to the rumor that you and you alone have been added to the Brazil, North Korea, Ivory Coast, and Portugal in the World Cup group G, collectively known as the “Group of Death?

That’s a myth. (sigh) Didn't qualify.

One more - The Finale of “Lost” Was everyone just living in your world, a product of your deeper consciousness?

That one’s true.

Think about it. It's the only "logical" explanation.. Damn, someone get me Lost on DVD and PSP!

And do me a large?

(STOMP-STOMP-STOMP)

Someone clean up this iPhone that is NO LONGER FUNCTIONING!

Now, to meditate. Or maybe a snack. Juice box?..

Chosen one - It’s G-d.

How’d you get this number?

I have everyone’s number.

You would indeed.

I want to help.

Thank G-d. Sorry. I’m sure you get that a lot.

It’s still nice to hear.

What do I do, big man. I’m in your hands.

First off, lose the headband.

That’s my signature.

It’s bush league. You in a Thursday night league at the YMCA?

Plus. It makes your head look big.

Noted.

(streeetch)

Removing head band. Now where do I sign?

I’ve thought long and hard about this. And the only logical choice for you to win a championship, and maximize marketing potential is-

Where? O holy one? Blessed be he?

(heavenly choir hold music)

I’m sorry, LeBron this is Mona, G-d’s assistant..

Say what?

So sorry, but G-d’s been called away on an emergency. This whole Gulf Oil Spill disaster.

Can we reschedule?

Lemmee see.. he is BOOKED.. SOLID. Swamped. Tomorrow, World Cup tickets. Next month.. oops.. something I can’t tell you, but I would stay out of Gaza. But he will return your call ASAP..

Return? He called me!

Be good LeBron. Say your prayers. Buh-bye..

I am truly alone. With no one to count on.. but three people. Me. Myself. I.

Posse members. MEETING! Everyone in my lair! Avengers Assemble!

You! Childhood friend! Where’s my magic 8-ball at?

This ends now!

(shake-shake/double-dribble/shake)

Here we go.. At long last - THE ANSWER..

(beat)

Outlook murky?

Shee-it. anybody got a coin?

(flip)

One that doesn’t have my face on it??

Sunday Sceneggiata

As Seen/On TV

Do you have ADD?

Let me ask you again – in case you have ADD.

Do you have ADD?

Did you stop watching TV, or playing with your kids, or looking at fabric swatches with your wife to read this?

Hmm.

Do you just read the cartoons in "The New Yorker?" Or just the first lines of posts/and the last?

Have you skipped to the end of this post?

I thought so….

Do you like to have sex? A lot of sex? Did you just have sex, or think about having sex? Do you own a remote control for the TV, and use it?

Then you might have a problem.

Kidding!

Just the other day I was thinking about Tiger Woods and sex addiction (while watching TV after sex of course!) “What exactly is sex addiction?” asked the guy on CNN.

Because count me in!

All I know about this, and countless other so-called “diseases” is what I learned from movies and TV. Which is quite a bit.

For example –

While fast-forwarding through the latest episode of “Glee,” Tivo’d “30 Rock,” the NBA playoffs (Go Lakers!) and a DVD of “24” (Season 4, Hour 18!) and doing the Sunday Sudoku, my girlfriend and I came across the movie “Adam” on HBO.

Cute flick. Guy has something called “Asperger’s.”

It seemed a little Rain-Man-y, y’know, our man Adam dresses like an astronaut (eccentricity) has a freezer full of identical Lean Cuisines (compulsive and repetitive behavior) difficulty in social situations (agoraphobia) and (cocktail party alert!) a tendency to blurt out abusive or inappropriate language.

Hello!

I guess there’s an Asperger’s epidemic going ‘round, because everyone from Joe Biden to Herbie the weird guy who sits by the water cooler at work seems to have it!

More stuff: Our Tivo accidentally recorded the “Temple Grandin” story. Here’s a good one – Claire Danes (who dates the dude who played Adam – is the autistic world smaller than Gary Coleman’s left nut?) is like this freaky-deeky scientist who thinks in pictures and designs a robotic squeeze machine because she can’t stand human contact.

Attention: Tiger Woods!

This device sounds like something Howard Stern has in the studio! Anyhoo, apparently she’s some sort of “high-functioning” autistic, who has a PhD, but is terrified of the sliding doors at the supermarket. (good thing Gwyneth Paltrow wasn’t the star!) Get this straight – chick is a best-selling author, college professor, has her own biopic on HBO..

But can’t shop at freaking Costco!

We fast-forwarded to the end – spoiler alert! Claire/Temple/both of ‘em invent a humane method for killing cows, yadda, etc. Big whoop! The only reason I got premium cable is for nudity, not for a glimpse of Heffer teat!


Count your blessings – I’m glad not to be a freak like these people. The cost of their meds alone would force a move to Canada and who speaks that language? And that would be a shame because I’d have to get the Rosetta Stone learning DVDs (add that to my Netflix queue!) and I’d miss my girlfriend and family and the Blu-Ray release of “Hot Tub Time Machine” in 3D and sexting the neighbor’s babysitter and playing FarmVille on the iPad.

Time out!

What were we talking about?

Nothing inappropriate I hope.

Awww.. whatever. I am who I am!

And there ain’t no cure for that.

Sunday Sceneggiata