NP/OB/GYN

From the Desk of:

Natalie Portman's Gynecologist

What's wrong with you?..

Hmmm... that's tough to say..
(which is another way of saying..)

Hmmm..

(sigh)

Let's eliminate the obvious.. You're here!

How was traffic? Did you take surface streets or the subway?..

Yup. That explains why YOU were on time..

Hahahaha.. In all seriousness.. Have you had any trouble sleeping? Irritability? Other than right now.

Check.

Describe your symptoms..

Really?

AND THAT?

Wow-za..

It's like.. (but not unlike) hmm.. did you see the movie "Avatar?” In 3D?

Why does that matter? Well, what you’re experiencing is nothing like that,

but I was thinking of installing a home theatre system with 3D.

Back to your chart, eh? Do you smoke?

Do you mind if I do?

Okay-dokay.. Get undressed. I know it’s only a consult, but I don’t want to be the only one sitting here emotionally naked!

Before we go further, I wish to state that although I took an oath – “First do no harm, don’t work on the High Holidays, etc.” – I am nevertheless human.

I play favorites.

And you. Yes, you. Are a favorite.

Is it because we both went to Harvard? Perhaps.

It remains self-evident that not all patients are created equal, and you, young lady – are unequaled.

Can I be more specific? Let me put it like this –

You know how in “Black Swan” – which incidentally, the Missus, and the Mistress, both loved – Bravo!

You know how you played opposite that Mila Kunis girl from TV, and that movie in Hawaii where the fella shows his schlong? Yes, of course. You worked with her!

And she’s a beauty. Sultry. But when she’s up there on the Angelika bigscreen – or my soon-to-be-Samsung 65 incher. . On the screener I got from Meryl (last name deleted per doctor/patient confidentiality agreement.)

Well that Kunis girl, next to the porcelain Lladro figurine perfection that is your punim? She’s a miskite!

And that.. THAT’S how I feel about you.. About yours..

They’re not all cut from the same mold, not by a long shot! And I’ve seen ‘em all.

Golden Globe. WINNERS. Oscar. NOMINEES. For sixteen years running I’ve been the consulting OB/GYN for the Tony Awards – mostly wardrobe stuff - which places you in intimate contact with the aforementioned Meryl (okay-okay.. MARKOE.) And a woman quite possibly, but not necessarily married to Sam Shepard, whose name rhymes with “Dr. Strange.”

Does the name Scarlett.. oy.. nothing rhymes with.. okay-okay..

Scar-lett.. So handsome..

Still not impressed?

(whispered) Katie.. Sherlock.. (Blank.)

You pay more to see me, because I can keep a secret. Because I am discreet. Because I’m the only private individual in the city (this side of Port Authority) who has a Dyson Airblade Dryer in his bathroom. That’s how much I care!

Let’s see what all the fuss is about. Sit up straight and breath deeply.. Hmm..

Swollen breasts.. Skin appears rosy and flush. Elevated body temperature. Sounds like an enticing Jdate profile!

Or you’re pregnant. Yes. I can tell that you can tell. No need to explain how or why.

Whew. Do you need to wash your hands? I probably should. Or can I offer you a drink? No, of course not. But I can use one. There’s a bottle of schnapps the cleaning lady keeps in one of these drawers..

For you – water. Lots of it. And folic acid. Pre-natal vitamins. Fish oil.

For me, and millions of others – the death of a dream.

Question: Do you know whom the father is? Of course you do, but I have to ask. It’s that Frenchman who choreographed your dance moves, yes? I forget – what’s his last name? And where do his parents go to shul?

Nevermind. The important thing is that the mother is Jewish, Ms. Hershlag.

Listen to me – babbling on. Do you have any questions for me?

Ultrasound?

Why? Did you injure yourself dancing?

Oh-oh. The child’s sex? (Knock-wood)

It’s a boy!

How do I know without checking? How do you remember your lines in a movie? Hard-work. Experience. And prophecy. This is no parlor room trick, no bubbameister. No, it has long been foretold that the Messiah.. is a boy.

Baruch HaShem.

Hold on - Where are you going?

No, stay, relax. Padmé, please.. No need to rush – I validate! At least take some literature.. Okay, go if you must, but know this – Cravings are not uncommon. Nausea. Mood swings. Some spotting.

And you don’t have to marry him if it’s not right.

Either way - Mazel tov and be well!

Have you thought about names? I like Elior.

It’s Hebrew for Luke.

Veritas!