Rally/Rally

Rallies we’d like to see, (weather permitting.)

Honoring Restoration Hardware

A welcome respite in any mall. Comforting comforters. Cocktail books that you can shoplift in your girlfriend's purse. Woven sea grass welcome mats that scream "DO Tread On Me!" Overheard: “Gee that dish towel is ADORABLE!” And only $200.00 (for a set of three!) PRECIOUS!

Transforming America

How cool would it be if we could all turn into robots?.. Like.. umm CHINA! Or cars? Or robot cars? Let's end our dependence on foreign oil AND burn rubber in the process!

Reboot the DVR

Mine's full (Top Chef Marathon!) Is yours? Let's try a fresh start - together. What do we want?! MORE SPACE! How do we do it? Let's ask my nephew.

Rally, Rally ! Pitcher’s Name is Sally

This popular schoolyard taunt never resulted in anything more than any icy stare from the mound.. maybe an inside fastball. WHERE’S THE HARM? Let’s put back the civility in civilityzation!

Gumball Rally

Tagline: “No catalytic converter and no 55 mph speedlimit.” NOT the 1976 Michael Sarazain/Raul Julia road movie romp. Okay, let’s say BASED on the 1976 road movie romp. Call me nostalgic, but think about how much cooler your life was when taxes were lower, you could still rough a quarterback, and all you had to worry about was hot pursuit by Gary Busey in the Camero Z-28 car? And I quote: “..the first rule of Italian racing: What’s behind me is not important.” Words to live by – right?Rebuilding Fortress America.

I was thinking about this one at Home Depot the other day – which is so much cooler a name than Builder’s Emporium. Or is it the other way around? Either way, how many times did America get attacked by Al-Qaeda types when we were known as “Fortress America?” With me?

I’m not talking like a nickname like “The “Invincible” Iron Man, but officially changing our currency and flag and vanity license plates to FORTRESS AMERICA™! “IN FORTRESS AMERICA We Trust!” The USA Network now known as “Fortress America Home Shopping Channel.” Stuff like that.

Scenario: Terrorist #1: “Hey, want to go bomb “FORTRESS AMERICA?” Terrorist #2: (spits out his Red Bull & Vodka) “No way, hom-bre! We’d stand a better chance blowing up Darth Vader’s unblowable Death Star than FORTRESS AMERICA!”

We’re talking UNBREAKABLE COMB here. Time to put the “imp” back in IMPERVIOUS!

Restocking the Fridge

Is it your turn? Or my turn? Who cares – IT’S OUR TURN. Something smells rotten in America’s icebox (it’s probably in the lettuce bin.) Let’s turn back the clock, and the temperature – remember REAL root beer popsicles? Astronaut Space Sticks? Does peanut butter have to be refrigerated or not? Give us back chocolate milk made by cows – SOY IS SOYLENT GREEN!

Redeeming (Full Value)

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stopped at the local supermarket, by a fellow who lives out of a wobbly shopping cart, or a kid named “Jaden,” who tells me that bottles are for recycling, not returning for hard-earned Fortress American CASH. Okay.. it’s happened twice. When did this start happening? I know a guy who put himself through med school (offshore) by returning Fanta cartons.. And that guy drives a Prius now, so suck on that GLOBAL WARMING ALARMISTS. I feel like smashing all those bottles against a dumpster behind my old junior high, only now the dumpster is made of PLASTIC!.. Agggghh..

Bringing Back the 8-track Tape

Not so fast, right? You’re thinking – I just figured out how to burn all my vinyl to cassette tape! But this a quality, not a quantity issue. Did 8-track sound better than digital audio? Who can tell? I’m not a “robot.” Was it cheaper? Pro-rated for today’s dollar? Go ask an economist on NPR!

All I’m saying is that 8 songs were always higher in QUALITY than 800. Take Zeppelin IV or Back in Black - I’ll take the pound for pound hard-rocking AWESNICITY of Tommy Tutone’s Jenny(and whatever other seven crappy songs were on that tap) over the 75 minutes of synthesized FILLER perpetrated by Katy Perry on her latest magnum opus. Challenge: If I want more than two or three Lil’ Wayne songs, I’ll sneak down to my parents’ basement and download the rest from my Atari computer.

Remembering

That’s it. Just remembering. Remember when remembering was enough? When figuring out where you parked your car after that night of strobe-lighted Animal House frivolity with that girl who worked for Pabst Blue Ribbon and hooked you up with that free satin jacket and the Mickey’s Big Mouth beer light that still shines in your parents’ basement.. was enough? Isn’t it comforting to know that memories aren’t just for boring documentaries about the Civil War, but for lovers of Bartles & James “Melon Splash,” too!


Join me now -

Fortress AMERICA!

Fortress AMERICA!

Fortress.. you get it..