As Seen/On TV

Do you have ADD?

Let me ask you again – in case you have ADD.

Do you have ADD?

Did you stop watching TV, or playing with your kids, or looking at fabric swatches with your wife to read this?

Hmm.

Do you just read the cartoons in "The New Yorker?" Or just the first lines of posts/and the last?

Have you skipped to the end of this post?

I thought so….

Do you like to have sex? A lot of sex? Did you just have sex, or think about having sex? Do you own a remote control for the TV, and use it?

Then you might have a problem.

Kidding!

Just the other day I was thinking about Tiger Woods and sex addiction (while watching TV after sex of course!) “What exactly is sex addiction?” asked the guy on CNN.

Because count me in!

All I know about this, and countless other so-called “diseases” is what I learned from movies and TV. Which is quite a bit.

For example –

While fast-forwarding through the latest episode of “Glee,” Tivo’d “30 Rock,” the NBA playoffs (Go Lakers!) and a DVD of “24” (Season 4, Hour 18!) and doing the Sunday Sudoku, my girlfriend and I came across the movie “Adam” on HBO.

Cute flick. Guy has something called “Asperger’s.”

It seemed a little Rain-Man-y, y’know, our man Adam dresses like an astronaut (eccentricity) has a freezer full of identical Lean Cuisines (compulsive and repetitive behavior) difficulty in social situations (agoraphobia) and (cocktail party alert!) a tendency to blurt out abusive or inappropriate language.

Hello!

I guess there’s an Asperger’s epidemic going ‘round, because everyone from Joe Biden to Herbie the weird guy who sits by the water cooler at work seems to have it!

More stuff: Our Tivo accidentally recorded the “Temple Grandin” story. Here’s a good one – Claire Danes (who dates the dude who played Adam – is the autistic world smaller than Gary Coleman’s left nut?) is like this freaky-deeky scientist who thinks in pictures and designs a robotic squeeze machine because she can’t stand human contact.

Attention: Tiger Woods!

This device sounds like something Howard Stern has in the studio! Anyhoo, apparently she’s some sort of “high-functioning” autistic, who has a PhD, but is terrified of the sliding doors at the supermarket. (good thing Gwyneth Paltrow wasn’t the star!) Get this straight – chick is a best-selling author, college professor, has her own biopic on HBO..

But can’t shop at freaking Costco!

We fast-forwarded to the end – spoiler alert! Claire/Temple/both of ‘em invent a humane method for killing cows, yadda, etc. Big whoop! The only reason I got premium cable is for nudity, not for a glimpse of Heffer teat!


Count your blessings – I’m glad not to be a freak like these people. The cost of their meds alone would force a move to Canada and who speaks that language? And that would be a shame because I’d have to get the Rosetta Stone learning DVDs (add that to my Netflix queue!) and I’d miss my girlfriend and family and the Blu-Ray release of “Hot Tub Time Machine” in 3D and sexting the neighbor’s babysitter and playing FarmVille on the iPad.

Time out!

What were we talking about?

Nothing inappropriate I hope.

Awww.. whatever. I am who I am!

And there ain’t no cure for that.